The Menu

Vet-approved. Tail-wag guaranteed. Strictly no chocolate.

• The Bellevue Special - Peanut Butter Pup-cake Doughnut

  £2.50

  Oat flour ring, smooth peanut butter glaze, banana sprinkle.

• Pumpkin & Bacon Ring

  £2.80

  Douglas's personal favourite. Fights have broken out.

• Cheese & Carrot Mini-doughnuts (x4)

  £3.20

  For sharing. He won't share.

• Birthday Bone Doughnut

  £3.50

  Yoghurt frosting, single candle, lots of dignity.

• Iron-Jaw Biscuit Doughnut

  £3.00

  Extra-hard baked ring for serious chewers. Keeps Douglas busy for at least an hour.

Straight from the book - the snacks that fuel a junior operative.

• Marmite on Toast (extra butter)

  £2.20

  Herbert's standard pre-mission breakfast.

• Strawberry Milkshake

  £3.00

  Two straws. One for Douglas. Always.

• Franco's Cheese & Pepperoni Pizza

  £4.50

  Wood-fired, stretchy mozzarella, proper spicy pepperoni. Franco's own recipe.

• Special Brixton Lemonade

  £2.20

  Cloudy, zesty, ice-cold. Bottled down on Electric Avenue.

• Bellevue Special Chocolate Cookies

  £2.80

  Chocolate chunks, gold sprinkles and a toffee crunch in every bite. House favourite.

Inside the cavern beneath the S.E.S - 100 automatic stations in a circle, served in edible black-and-gold wafer cups.

• Herbert's Hot Chocolate (the works)

  free to operatives

  Piled high with cream, marshmallows, mini Maltesers and golden chocolate sprinkles. Pure Chilean cocoa - flown in by eagle from the mountains.

• Spy's Coffee, Edible Cup

  free to operatives

  Served in a black-and-gold wafer cup that doesn't go soggy. Drink the coffee, eat the cup.

• Douglas's Doggy Doughnut

  free to K9 assets

  Shoots out of a tube pre-warmed and pre-packaged. Hattie-approved. Tail-wag confirmed.

• Spiral Ice-Cream Dome

  free to operatives

  Hundreds of flavours, colours and toppings spiralling up into a pointed dome above the café.

• Choice of ~50 Warmed Doughnuts

  free to operatives

  Tube-fired, pre-warmed, pre-packaged. Pick a flavour, catch it before the next train leaves.

• Pure Chilean Cocoa Truffle

  free to operatives

  From the rarest cocoa trees of Chile. Eagle-collected. The purest chocolate you can get.

• Hobnob Biscuits (extra crunch)

  free to operatives

  Requested by Hattie. Oat-rich, golden, built for serious dunking - stacked tall and ready by the platform.

Iced, suspicious, and uncannily perfect. Recipe origin: classified.

• Classic Chocolate Éclair

  £3.20

  Choux pastry, crème pâtissière, dark chocolate fondant. The original.

• Pistachio & Rosewater

  £3.80

  Levantine inspiration. Light, floral, and a little bit too good.

• Salted Caramel 'Confession'

  £3.60

  Said to make agents talk. Probably the sugar.

• Coffee & Cardamom

  £3.60

  Strong enough to keep you awake on a stakeout.

• Strawberry Delight

  £3.80

  Fresh strawberries and clouds of whipped cream. Summer in a choux.

• Blackberry & Apple Cream

  £3.80

  Hedgerow blackberries, stewed apple, vanilla cream. Tastes like a country walk.

• Lemon Zest & Cream

  £3.60

  Sharp lemon zest folded through soft cream. Wakes you up better than coffee.

Hand-reared at an undisclosed Wandsworth allotment by [REDACTED].

• Escargots à la Bourguignonne

  £8.50

  Six garden snails, garlic, parsley, an indecent amount of butter.

• Snail & Wild Mushroom Vol-au-Vent

  £9.20

  Flaky pastry, cream, thyme. Surprisingly comforting.

• Snail Skewers, Harissa

  £8.80

  Charred, smoky, North African heat.

• Brave Diner's Tasting Plate

  £14.00

  Three preparations. For the curious and the foolish.

• Chocolate Praline Snails

  £9.50

  Six dark chocolate snail shells with a soft hazelnut praline centre. Sweet, sneaky, no garlic.